News item: economists say Ontario could become a have-not province in two years, receiving transfer payments from richer provinces.

Our roving reporter brings us this exchange from the frighteningly near future.

Q:  You were a wealthy broker living in a big house and now you’re a down-and-outer. When did everything change?

A:  You might think it was when I had to move under this bridge, but it was before that. One day my wife Muffy and I were sitting on the floor of our living room — we’d sold the furniture — waiting for the bailiffs when one of those couriers pulled up and dropped off a big package. From cousin Marvin in Burgoo, Newfoundland. It was full of big white slabs.

“Boards,” I said to Muffy.

“Jerk,” she said, “that’s dried fish.”

Then she threw her last Dior dress in a green garbage bag and took off in the Mercedes. I don’t know how far she could get on one litre of gas, but I haven’t seen her since.

Q:  So, a food parcel from Newfoundland showed you how bad things were here in Ontario?

A:  Well, that and the fact I had no money and I was being thrown out of my house and my BlackBerry didn’t work anymore. I was lucky to find this nice bridge.

Here, have a piece of fish.

Q:  Thanks, but I’m a vegan. I see you have company under the bridge.

A:  Oh sure, it’s a popular spot. There are a lot of guys came here from Rosedale, just up the hill.

Q:  What do you eat when the fish runs out?

A:  Heck, we’re well off. Bunches of Albertans moved into our houses — kind of summer places for them — and they are doing renovations and the workers are always tossing pizza crusts into the dumpsters. Sometimes even sandwiches, barely chewed.

Q:  Does anyone else help you out?

A:  Oh sure, cousin Leroy in Bienfait — that’s in Saskatchewan, near Estevan — sent along a big sack of wheat and I got most of it planted down by the old brickworks. Some I ground up for flour.

Q:  Ground up?

A:  Yep. It’s amazing what you can do with a couple of round stones and an old hub cap.

Q:  Where did you learn that? Boy Scouts?

A:  Heck no. It’s one of those handy little tips I picked up doing my MBA. Be ready for anything they told me. Survival 101.

Q:  Don’t take this personally, but you used to be a big hitter on Bay Street and now you are chewing on cod and eating day-old pizzas. Doesn’t it drive you, well, kind of crazy?

A:  Yes and no. First, I’m here in the outdoors, getting exercise. I’ve lost 30 pounds and I no longer have to worry about parking my car or curing my slice. And I have company. Go under any bridge in this city and you’ll find people like me.

Q:  But surely it’s not much of a life?

A:  Better than an ulcer and a triple bypass. And it has a future.

Q:  A future?

A:  Sure, me and the boys talk a lot because pretty much all we have to do now is scrounge and survive. And we figure we’ll be moving on come the fall.

Q:  Going where?

A:  We’ll hop one of those freights and head off to Alberta. Some of us might go to Newfoundland but freights don’t really go there. Anyway, we’ll get to Alberta and work in those oil fields. Shouldn’t be any trouble getting jobs because we are now lean and fit.

Q:  So, you’ll work in the oil fields and then what?

A:  Then we will do what comes naturally. We’ll work our way up and we’ll take over.

Q:  And then?

A:  And then, using all our skills, we should be able to turn Alberta into a have-not province in a couple of years.

Here. You really should try this fish. IE