When clients are touched by a death in the family, many advisors find themselves in an awkward situation. They simply don’t know what to say or do.
But instead of avoiding or delaying difficult conversations, advisors should hone their skills in dealing with families in mourning and take advantage of the opportunity to deepen the client relationship and bond with other family members, says Julian Wise, principal with Wise Advisory Group Inc. in Oakville, Ont.
“Life is not about insurance contracts and life is not about investments,” Wise says. “It’s about people, building relationships and keeping commitments. It’s about promises made and promises kept.”
Before Wise expanded his business into integrated wealth and estate planning, he spent many years specializing in the life insurance side of the business. That experience taught him that mortality is an irrefutable fact of life.
Wise became acutely aware of the fears that many people face in dealing with the bereaved when his wife, Dinah, died of lung cancer more than four years ago. Many friends whom he thought were close simply disappeared.
“A process of evacuation started as soon as my wife was diagnosed with cancer,” Wise says. “People started disappearing and, although I was angry and hurt at first, I thought there had to be a reason. I realized they were afraid and simply didn’t know what to say.”
Although he was disappointed by people’s strange behaviour or outright absence in the days, weeks and months following his wife’s death, Wise says, he acquired new skills in dealing with the bereaved. Some of those were based on the heart-warming gestures made by friends who stood with him and his family.
When dealing with a bereaved person, Wise says, “The most important thing to remember is that it’s not about your fears; it’s about their loss, and it’s the best time to bring out your listening skills.”
WHAT TO SAY
One of the most effective things to say to someone who is grieving is: “I really don’t know what to say.”
Those few words are enough, Wise says. You will have given greater comfort than “paragraphs of platitudes” can.
Another alternative: “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Wise suggests that you stop at that point and listen. Instead of talking, leave the air clear.
If you had any familiarity with the person who died, recalling an anecdote or favourite memory about the deceased can lend comfort. At Dinah’s funeral, somebody came up to Wise and mused about how Dinah would frequently touch or caress the items she loved.
“I have to tell you that in all the years I spent with Dinah, with the closeness and intimacy we shared, I had never recognized that,” Wise says. “I was able to go back and marvel at so many years and figure out, among all the gifts I had given her, which ones she really loved and which ones she didn’t.”
That story and others unlocked memories for Wise “like a string of pearls” as he thought back on times with his wife.
SPREAD THE NEWS
When it comes to death, you are doing a service by spreading the news to as many friends and acquaintances of the deceased as possible. Those acquaintances can then make their own overtures of sympathy. It also can prevent awkward moments created in social situations, when someone encounters the bereaved and, not knowing about the death, makes a regrettable comment.
Offer to help the bereaved with everyday necessities, Wise suggests, such as walking the dog, running an errand or going grocery shopping for essentials. “Remember they are in a bubble of sorrow,” Wise says, “in which it’s difficult to put one foot in front of the other, let alone remember necessities, make a decision or pull themselves together for a trip to the grocery store.”
Other acts of kindness could include bringing over cooked or easy-to-serve food. Wise suggests arranging with other friends and relatives to make sure the bereaved family is taken care of in the few weeks following the death.
• Top Advisor Summit: Dos and don’ts for helping friends in grief
Julian Wise, an advisor and trust and estate practitioner with Wise Advisory Group in Oakville, Ont., describes what to say, what not to say, and what to do when someone you know is grieving. WATCH
@page_break@Wise recalls a friend showing up with coffee and breakfast every morning for three weeks after Dinah died. To Wise, this friend was a vital link to the outside world.
As time goes by, Wise adds, it’s important to extend invitations to dinners, parties, social outings and vacations to the newly widowed.
“Please. We [widows] won’t steal your spouse. We’re in mourning,” Wise says with irony. “I had friends I used to go out for dinner with and on trips with. They’re gone.”
Consider offering your cottage, boat or chalet for a respite. If the offer isn’t accepted, call back a year later and offer it again. Wise himself was the recipient of such an offer, and although he turned it down, he is grateful to this day.
“You will stand out from the crowd,” Wise says, of making such gestures, “and look different from most people.”
Although grand gestures can be impressive, never underestimate the power of a heartfelt hug. Bereaved people don’t have a contagious disease, Wise says, they just have broken hearts that need love.
WRONG THINGS TO SAY
If saying the right thing is important, so is avoiding saying the wrong things, such as:
> “How did it happen?” This is not a time to collect facts. If the person died of lung cancer, for example, don’t ask whether they smoked. Such questions open up more wounds than they close, Wise says.
> “Someone I know died of the same disease, so I know how you feel.” You don’t know how they feel because you don’t know the nature of their relationship or feelings.
> “It’s probably for the better that he was taken quickly.” Such a comment implies an attempt to minimize the person’s pain.
> “It will get better with time.” Everyone heals at their own pace, Wise says, and it’s not necessary to tell them how and when to grieve.
If you call and connect only to the person’s voice mail, do not request that they call you back right away, no matter how strongly you want to offer condolences or find out what happened. People in mourning are in no position to respond to pressure or demands. Just leave a message that you are thinking about them and will call them back.
Other important advice: do not delay making the first phone call or visit. Often, a few days go by, then a couple of weeks, then it feels like it’s too late. The grieving family is hurting now and needs your support.
And don’t offer to do more than you can. Wise remembers his disappointment in people who made promises in the wake of his wife’s death, but failed to come through.
As a financial advisor, there is a great opportunity to offer friendship to people in mourning and deepen the relationship, Wise says. Chances are you will be dealing with those clients in any case, because insurance is often part of the estate. Those conversations will be much more comfortable if you know how to handle the personal side.
“Anything you do that comes from the heart,” Wise says, “with a desire to further the relationship and not with the intention of financial gain, is going to be good for your relationships and your career.” IE