Being near the leading edge of the baby-boom generation means I have had many opportunities. On the flip side, being an older boomer raises the probability of experiencing the role reversal that comes when adult children are called upon to help manage the lives and legacies of their parents.
Therefore, it is not surprising that I was drawn to Dan Taylor’s new book, The Parent Care Conversation, which promises “six strategies for transforming the emotional and financial future of your aging parents.”
Taylor is a lawyer, a practising financial advisor and president of Wealth Capital Group, based in Charlotte, N.C., as well as founder of the Parent Care Institute, an elder-care advocacy group. He is also the creator of the Divorce Mediation and Parent Care Solution programs, both designed to help people deal sensitively, efficiently and effectively in times of emotional duress.
The book opens with “A living nightmare,” in which Taylor openly discusses his own challenges with his father’s dementia and the scramble to reorganize his own boomer life and career to deal with a parent who was no longer capable of living on his own. Clearly, planning would have made the experience much easier. So, Taylor looked for a way to help adult children broach a subject that, perhaps, had been avoided out of fear of insulting, angering or even alienating parents.
Part 1 of The Parent Care Con-versation addresses the tendency to procrastinate by giving nine common excuses for doing nothing: the parents’ affairs are too scattered; they say they have taken care of things; they won’t talk about this; we’re not a close family; it’s too much work; there are too many people with differing opinions; I’m too busy; I can’t deal with this emotionally; and, I don’t want to be responsible if something goes wrong.
Each excuse is refuted with a real-life example of how others overcame similar reluctance. And the CARE acronym — challenges, alternatives, resources and experience — is introduced as a basis for constructive conversation.
Part 2 is the meat of the book. Each of its six chapters delves into an essential conversation between children and their parents:
> The Big-Picture Conversation. Get the conversation going in a non-threatening way that allows parents to express their vision of their future.
> The Money Conversation. Discuss parents’ current and future financial needs. Children can gain perspective on priorities.
> The Property Conversation. Focus on what the parents have accumulated and how they want their possessions disposed of or handled.
> The House Conversation. Address whether the parent should stay in the family home or move elsewhere when the home becomes a financial or physical burden.
> The Professional Care Conversation. Describe the quality of care that parents want in the event of illness or incapacity.
> The Legacy Conversation. Lay the groundwork for how to disperse assets through gifts, bequests and other methods.
In each conversation, the CARE formula is applied. For example, in the house conversation, children would ask questions such as:
1. Challenges. “Mom and Dad, tell me what crosses your mind when you think about continuing to live here in your home and taking care of it, or moving elsewhere if it would make life easier?”
2. Alternatives. “Mom and Dad, let’s discuss some of the options available in dealing with the challenges we just discussed.”
3. Resources. “Mom and Dad, let’s think of some of the resources you are already familiar with that could maximize your options and minimize those challenges.”
4. Experience. “Mom and Dad, think about the long-term care experience you’d like as a result of the housing decisions you will make, and tell me what that experience would look like.”
Written in a clear, upbeat, conversational style, The Parent Care Conversation is not a book on estate planning or how to invest (although it does go into those issues). The book is advisor-friendly and includes questions for parents and children to ask their professional advisors.
As Taylor notes: “Talking to the elderly about aging is a lot like talking to the poor about poverty; no matter how delicately we approach the subject, we run the risk of scaring, offending or outright alienating them merely by bringing it up.”
Consequently, it would be a good primer for advisors and a great gift for any client who either has or is an aging parent. It will guide both sides of the conversation. IE
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The conversation everyone dreads
Clients who have elderly parents, or are elderly themselves, will appreciate guidance with tough issues
- By: George Hartman
- April 3, 2007 April 3, 2007
- 10:35