Some historians believe the name change movement started when the Toronto Transit Commission decided to sell subway station names to the highest bidder. And that’s how Dundas station became Ernie’s Instant Shoe Repair stop.

Certainly, Ernie put out good money to get his name on Dundas, but making money from name changes started well before that. The credit — if that’s the word — goes to Humerus, a town of 850 people on the Arm River in what used to be called Saskatchewan. It so happens that in the newly prosperous Saskatchewan (as we used to call it), Humerus had somehow missed the boat. No oil, no grain, no potash. The town council was gloomily pondering the budget, wondering if this was the year they shut down the water-purification system, when in walked Frank Ramgooly.

Discussion stopped and the council members clustered around Frank, who is not only a native son but one who has made a fortune. His money comes from a chain of massage parlours called Busty Beauties.

Frank is always a welcome visitor to council, but this time even more than usual. That’s because he told council he had come to solve their fiscal problems. “I want to be remembered for my achievements,” he told the council, “and I’m willing to pay good money if you’ll change the town’s name.”

So far, so good. No one was wedded to the name Humerus and, God knows, they needed money.

“Splendid idea, Frank,” said the mayor. “Except I don’t think the good townspeople will want to live in Busty Beauties.”

Frank laughed. “Of course not,” he said. “I want my own town, and I’ll pay good money and lots of it if you changed the name to Frank Ramgooly, Pop. 850.”

“That’s it?” asked the mayor.

“That’s it,” said Frank. “Just make sure it’s two words, Frank Ramgooly. With a sign that says you are now entering Frank Ramgooly, the town with a name.”

And so it came to pass. The new town of Frank Ramgooly prospered, as tourists flocked to visit the town with a name and have their pictures taken at the town limits sign. We suppose that Frank has prospered, although there was some falling off in the massage business when Frank put a life-size picture of himself leaning on said sign in every parlour. (Customers said that wasn’t the kind of massage they sought.)

Soon, the ripple effect was felt as various jurisdictions turned their attention to the now prosperous town that used to be Humerus. That’s how the town of Neptunia in Manitoba paved its main street and put in a swimming pool. It bothers no one that Neptunia is now called “Fries With That?”

What started as a ripple became a wave. That’s how Three Rivers became Three Tacos and Brandon became Raisin Brandon. In Ontario, Cobourg became Coburger King. And in the West, Boston Bar was reborn as Boston Mars Bar.

Regina was hunting for new revenue and they were glad to change their name. They decided to go after some of the money churned out by potash and would have changed to something like Reginash or even Fertilia. But their dreams came to nought when the provincial legislature met in emergency session and announced that all were now living in the new province of Potashkewan. Further, there would be a new subway so they could even make more money from selling station names.

As you might guess, the name changing didn’t stop there. What’s good for Potashkewan is good for Ontario, said the premier of that have-not province. But the only name with a vast supply of money attached that they could find was the Teachers’ Pension Fund. And it was felt that it wouldn’t look good on highway markers. And General Ontario Motors was considered a flop.

And rightly so. IE