How mortifying. how embarrassing. How dreadfully old-fashioned. I have been using my cell phone the wrong way.
No wonder people avoid me. And here I thought it was just because living in the country I don’t have to wash or shave that often.

Nope, it’s just cell phone ineptitude.
And it’s been going on for a long time.

I’ve had a cell phone or two for about eight years. My current model fits into the palm of my hand with enough room left over for a supply of pork rinds so I can eat as I talk. But the embarrassing thing is I need two hands for the cell phone. I hold it in my left and poke the numbers with a spatulate finger of my right hand. And I even do it in public.

Now I find out that all cell phone users under 80 hold the phone in one hand and dial with their thumbs. That’s so they can keep the other hand on the steering wheel.

Even more embarrassing is that I may be the last finger-poker left in this neck of the words — or any neck. I use two hands on the TV remote and if I knew how to work the machine I would use two hands on the VCR.
Which is soon to become a DVD player, which I won’t be able to operate either. And when I’m using my two hands everyone else is using one thumb.

For shame.
What brought me to awareness of this new-thumbed world was a story in an old-fashioned medium (a newspaper), which told me that those who use the popular BlackBerry could be leaving themselves open to thumb strain because of the unusual stress they put on tendons.

Not something that I will ever have to worry about because I have always lagged behind the curve on all new technologies. For example, I’ve used computers for almost a quarter of a century yet never to their full potential. It was only a couple of months ago that I discovered the computer I’ve been using for four years will play CDs and that the two little boxes on either side of the screen are actually speakers. I just never turned them on. Heck, I didn’t even know that they could turn on. But I only use my computer for glorified typing and if I want music I can turn on the CD player downstairs. Rather, I could turn it on if the remote was handy. Except it isn’t because I’m keeping it in the car where it operates the overhead garage door.

My grasp of technology is such that while I can run the microwave, I can’t figure out how to set the clock built into it. While I can turn on my clock radio (with a hand switch), I can’t figure out how to program the alarm and when I have to get up very early I use a wind-up alarm clock.

This is the only alarm I can cope with. I had
a rental car for a few days that came with a remote that unlocked the door from a distance, but when I stuck the gizmo in my pocket I kept setting off the car alarm. (At least now I know what that little blinking red light on the dashboard was all about.)

Advanced programming

In this remote world, I can, as I mentioned, turn on and off the satellite for the TV with two hands — one to hold, one to push — but I have never tried any advanced programming. Indeed, I was astonished when my TV started trying to bring me e-mail. I don’t know what the messages are because I’ve never bothered trying to open them. I figure if I push the wrong button I’ll never see Homer again.

As far as I’m concerned, e-mail belongs on my computer and messages belong on my display-screen telephone. Except sometimes when I use my big fat finger to try to retrieve those messages, I hear the voice of the snooty woman who lives in my phone.
She tells me coldly that I have now cancelled all my commands. Which would be tragic if I knew what those commands were.

Frankly, if you want to get in touch, write me a letter. IE