Yes, it’s that time of year. you have made a suitcase full of money and are ready to live the dream and buy a cottage. Which brings you to your first fork in the cottage road.
Are you planning to sit on your croquet lawn beside your swimming pool in your white flannels with your salty lime-and-lychee Margarita (the drink, that is)? Or are you looking for a slice of wilderness where you fix your own septic pump and drink cold beer?
Do you want to be in an area where the local store sells croissants and smoked salmon and pâté with truffled butter, or will you settle for potato chips and beef jerky?
No matter which kind of cottager you are, there are some points to keep in mind as you start your search. As a person with a suitcase full of money, you should be wise enough to recognize cottage descriptions that include words such as “potential” or “needs TLC” or “handyman’s special.” But just in case you don’t, “potential” means you’re being sold something that isn’t there but could be; “TLC” means the cottage is a wreck; and the “handyman’s special” is for someone who owns a dozer and a back hoe and a crane.
And there are other cottage terms that flourish in the ads. Here they are with their real meanings:
> Nature abounds. Porcupines live under the living room, raccoons infest the attic and there are flying squirrels in the kitchen. And, just down the road, there’s a black bear with a sore paw.
> Privacy. After you come to the end of the road, you take the path through the swamp and there you are, just down that small cliff.
> Privacy plus. After you come to the end of the road and go through the swamp and down the cliff, you take a boat. You will never be bothered by nosy neighbours — or electricians or carpenters or the guy who pumps your septic. In fact, you will be so private that you won’t have a septic. Or even a toilet.
> Nestled. Stout cedar trees on all sides and sunken in a small, cunning hollow. Indeed, the cottage might actually be sinking or, as we say, nestling in.
> Nestled in tall pines. Very true and many of them are of an age to fall over.
> Quaint. The builder lost the plans; although the cottage has two levels, there seems to be no stairs.
> Cunning. Once again two levels and no stairs, but there is a rope ladder.
> Unique. The builder didn’t lose the plans but somehow he got them upside down — which makes this such an interesting A-frame. But don’t worry, it won’t fall over; it’s nestled in tall pines.
> sheltered by small island. No view.
> Quiet bay. No view plus a lot of dead fish washing up on the beach.
> Commanding view. Your cottage is on a cliff and there are 121 steps — many of them secure — leading down to the water. But you can sure as hell see over that small island.
> Safe sandy beach. You can wade out and out and the water will never come above you knees. In fact, you can wade right across the lake. Maybe that’s why the fish keep washing up.
> Rugged waterfront. This cottage is for sale (again) because the previous owners kept breaking their legs on the rocks.
> Island of your own. This is much like “Privacy Plus,” except that, if your island is big enough, you’ll have to keep setting the dogs on boaters who’ll try to camp on the north end. And, if it’s small, the dogs will keep sliding off the rocks and into the water. And, depending on how ferocious your dogs are, you’ll have privacy, but are you really up to paddling three miles through the waves with a refrigerator in the bow of your canoe? IE
Decoding cottage real estate
- By: Paul Rush
- April 1, 2005 October 29, 2019
- 13:34
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