Along with division of housework, money is one of the most common sources of conflict among couples. As any marriage counsellor will attest, not every couple is in total agreement when it comes to money.

In fact, financial advisors know it is rare for couples who walk into their offices to be in complete agreement on financial matters. Such touchy issues as discretionary spending, debt management, retirement planning and whether or not to leave an inheritance can turn even the most content of couples into the Bickersons.

And because of the formal setting of an advisor’s office and the social pressures to restrain oneself in public, it’s not always easy for an advisor to tell when tensions are building. But while few advisors want to trade financial advice for marital advice, there are some actions advisors can take to ease an explosive situation — or even avoid it altogether.

Take the issue of debt, for example. Karen Wilson, a certified financial planner for CIBC in Collingwood, Ont., recalls a few situations in which one partner has run up significant debts about which the other partner knows nothing — until meeting with Wilson. “They’d be in together and the debt would be disclosed during the interview,” she says. “Let’s just say that the air was blue. It wasn’t going to be a pretty sight once they get home.”

While not all couples face this particularly dramatic exposé, it does underline a common problem: most couples don’t discuss financial matters in a meaningful way until they are sitting face-to-face with their financial advisors.

“Money is such a tightly held topic that a lot of spouses don’t even know how much their spouse makes, whether he or she is spending it or the debt he or she carries,” says Peter Andreana, a CFP for Continuum II in Burlington, Ont. “All of these things can come to a head in the financial planning process, and it can definitely be traumatic — stirring up a lot of emotions and causing problems.”

One of the first warning signs that things might be heading in the wrong direction is when partners start playing the blame game, says Stephen Douglas, a certified couples counsellor with offices in Toronto and Burlington, Ont.

Blame can be subtle — jokes about the partner’s spending habits fall into this category — or overt. Blame usually indicates deeper emotions, such as fear and anxiety, about the client’s own contribution and financial preparedness, Douglas says. While these comments say more about the partner making them than the partner being blamed, this is still dangerous territory — an advisor will want to avoid entering it.

“Anything in a relationship that creates criticism pushes a couple further apart,” Douglas says. “And if your goal is to create consensus, it’s just not going to work.”

Financial advisors are understandably reluctant to take on the role of a therapist when embarking on the financial planning process, yet a similar level of delicacy and empathy is required of them at times, says Carolyn Williams, a fee-only CFP for Financial Fitness in St. John’s.

Her background as a nurse and midwife is an advantage when it comes to helping couples communicate about money, she says. But she still finds it a challenge.

“People are either savers or spenders, and often those opposites are attracted to each other,” she says. “Those things that initially attract us create problems down the road.”

While it certainly appears that opposites attract, Douglas instead suggests that, over time, couples learn to polarize their instincts based on the actions — and reactions — of their significant other.

“If I’m a spendthrift, I might feel claustrophobic about my partner’s caution and rebel a bit to let her know that I have that freedom,” he says. Soon enough, she will compensate for the perceived carelessness by becoming a little more cautious, he says. “Before we know it, we’ve polarized extremes.”

Advisors could pass knowledge of this tendency along to their clients to give them insight into how their money habits and attitudes don’t work in a vacuum, but often reflect those of their partner.

Here are a few other tips on what advisors can do when treading through a couple’s financial land mines:



> Open the vent

@page_break@“It’s questions, questions and more questions,” says Williams. Partners are more likely to open up — with the advisor and each other — if they are asked plenty of questions. The key is to respond without judgment, which will encourage the partners to follow suit.

“One thing to remember is that we’re all different,” she says. “There’s no right way and wrong way.”

“The most important thing is to be a fabulous listener,” adds Wilson, who has been in banking for 30 years and an advisor for the past 10. She says money can bring out buried emotions. Letting couples express these emotions — particularly anger and fear — is important to the process.

The advisor needs to bite his or her tongue and avoid butting in when someone is venting about delicate subjects such as their investment performance or debt, she says: “You need to sit back and let them do it without interrupting or trying to cut them off and provide excuses.”



> Allow for differences

While family goals need to be addressed as a couple, that doesn’t mean individual needs must always play second fiddle, points out Wilson: “They very much can do separate things.” So-called “mad money” accounts can go a long way toward helping some couples maintain those all-important feelings of control and freedom, she says. “As long as they can manage it outside the big picture, it’s OK.”

Partners may have different investing styles, she says. It’s typical in many couples and shouldn’t be discouraged as long as it’s clear what each couple needs to average together to reach their goal.

“It’s not a bad thing,” Wilson says. “If one is very aggressive and one is super-conservative, they come out on average as the middle or moderate.”



> Act world-weary

When there is a source of potential conflict — take the “surprise debt” situation — it’s critical that the advisor respond calmly as if he or she has seen it all before. “The ultimate thing is to stay calm and have it come across as not being the end of the world,” says Wilson.

She tries to let the debt-laden spouse know ahead of time that the information will be disclosed so the person can tell the partner before the meeting.

Regardless of how it comes out, Wilson says, it’s important to stress that there are ways to get the couple back on track. If the relationship is strong, introducing humour can also help diffuse the tension.

The advisor can also swing open his or her own financial closet, Wilson says. She will often reveal, for example, that she’s the spender and aggressive investor in her own relationship. “A key thing is to let the couple know some of the mistakes you’ve made yourself,” she says.

A personal anecdote reinforces for the couple that they’re not unique and have nothing to be ashamed of. “They have some sense that this person across from them is not judging,” she adds.



> Use examples

There are particularly sensitive issues for which couples can’t find a comfortable middle ground. This is when the advisor should adopt the mediator role and bring up what other couples in the same situation have done.

Andreana says the issue of whether or not to leave an inheritance can be a hot-button topic, for example. “Sometimes one spouse wants to leave a lot and the other doesn’t want to leave anything,” he says. “They have two totally opposite views.”

Hashing it out can reveal that the partner not willing to leave an inheritance is actually worried that his or her children won’t learn about the value of hard work or that the couple won’t have the money to retire comfortably. Andreana often sends couples away with “homework” — to discuss the issue further. But he gives them examples of what other couples are doing in the same situation.

“I just outline some of the things I have seen in the past,” he says, adding that many clients — baby boomers, in particular — don’t seem to recognize that the financial position they enjoy is often the result of an inheritance or help from the previous generation of savers. “Usually, there’s a compromise.”



> Reframe the blame

If one partner is talking about the spouse’s actions or feelings more than 10% of the time, is joking about the spouse’s financial wherewithal or even starts rolling his or her eyes — all clues that criticism, a barrier to compromise, is taking over the conversation — it’s time to pull out the therapy tricks.

“Reframing” is a key therapy method, says couples counsellor Douglas. This means simply playing what clients have said back to them — but with a twist. When a client says, “You’re spending too much,” for example, the advisor should hear in his or her head that the client is worried he or she isn’t making enough money. The advisor can respond in a reassuring manner to the person making the blame comment, and assure the client that it’s possible to work with what the couple is making.

As for the other common financial-blame statement — “You’re not making enough money” — Douglas says, the advisor should understand that this revolves around the fear of not being looked after. He suggests that an advisor respond, again to the person making the comment: “You deserve a good quality of life and my job is to help you make responsible choices so you can look after yourself.”

This response has the added benefit of moving away from criticism into “responsible choices” territory, he says.

But it’s impossible to lead a couple into this discussion before they are ready, he warns. “Have them walk down that road by themselves first,” he says. IE