Q: Mr. Rush, I understand you are an expert at interpreting real estate terms?

A: Darn right.

Q: Could I give you a small test?

A: Of course.

Q: OK, “close to transportation”?

A: At the end of an airport runway, or hard by an expressway, or possibly in the railway freight yards.

Q: Excellent. How about, “lovingly preserved”?

A: Easy. The kitchen dates to 1927, the roof is older and it was last painted when the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup.

Q: Very nice. Now I understand you have undertaken to master the language used to sell cottage real estate?

A: Most certainly. It is a hot market and my expertise will be needed.

Q: Very well, what does “secluded” mean?

A: The road ends 200 yards short of the cottage and you have to carry everything in over the rocks and through the swamp.

Q: What about “utterly secluded”?

A: There is no road; you need a boat or a bulldozer.

Q: And what about cotttage “offers the ultimate in privacy”?

A: No road, no boat, and too rough for a bulldozer. You might want to buy a helicopter.

Q: How about “bird watchers’ paradise”?

A: That’s a swamp.

Q: “Nature lovers’ paradise”?

A: A swamp with bears.

Q: “Panoramic view”?

A: Top of a cliff. One hundred and twenty-one steps down to the water.

Q: “Nestled amid towering pines”?

A: A place where you live in fear every time the wind blows.

Q: “Rugged beauty”?

A: Be prepared to backpack in through the rocks and tree stumps left by the loggers. Might just be a “nature lovers’ paradise.”

Q: What about “offers rustic charm”?

A: That’s an outhouse and probably no electricity, and possibly a “handyman’s special.”

Q: “Handyman’s special”?

A: Figure it out. It means the same as “needs TLC.”

Q: Got it. What about “open concept”?

A: That’s a code way of saying the owner never got around to putting any walls up inside. And sometimes, an outside wall may be missing as well.

Q: And “quaint and charming cottage nestled in established area”?

A: Needs paint, plumbing, drywall, electricity, new foundations and the neighbouring cottages are three feet away on either side. And they are usually rented to biker gangs.

Q: Mr. Rush, I understand you have a cottage. Could you describe it for us in real estate terms?

A: How else? It is utterly secluded and you have to be able to paddle a canoe and carry 100 pounds on your back through the woods. You could make that two trips at 50 pounds a trip but that would give the bears a better chance at you. It has a strong streak of “handyman’s special” but it is no longer amid “towering pines.”

Q: How come?

A: They all blew down in the last tornado. Now it has “sweeping views.” And did I mention that it’s a “nature lovers’ paradise”?

Q: No, would you care to say that now?

A: Thank you, it’s a “nature lovers’ paradise.”