Whether you are trying to land a client, sell a product or deal with your teenagers, it is far better to take an unassuming approach along the lines of clumsy and inelegant television detective Columbo, played by Peter Falk, than to try to dazzle others with your extensive knowledge and expertise, says professional negotiator Herb Cohen.

“It’s not about impressing others with your brilliance,” says Cohen, who spoke recently at Mackenzie University, an educational day for financial advisors sponsored by Mackenzie Financial Corp. of Toronto. “The idea is to make the client feel superior, which I admit is hard to do in some cases.”

Cohen, an American professional negotiator for more than 40 years, has dealt with conflict resolution in a variety of situations — from hostage-taking to hostile corporate takeovers. His clients have run the gamut from entrepreneurs and salespeople to sports and theatrical agents to criminal investigators. His expertise has also been sought by American presidents, including Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton. And he is the author of two books, You Can Negotiate Anything and Negotiate This! By caring, but not T-H-A-T much.

Cohen’s central theme is that when it comes to negotiating, the most successful persuader is someone who is not obsessed by the outcome — someone who cares, “but not that much.” It helps to see the process as a game, and getting too involved emotionally usually leads to doing poorly. Find a comfortable balance between effort and relaxation, he says.

“If you care too much, adrenaline starts flowing and makes you stupid,” he says in his soft voice, edged with a New York accent. “You become ‘doped up’ and ‘dumbed down’.”

Cohen says the most successful negotiators have a clear idea of the other party’s needs and frame of reference. This comes from asking questions, listening carefully to the answers and taking notes, activities that indicate your interest, show respect and improve your memory for later on. Successful selling is not about a high-pressure performance of talking and telling, despite your “encyclopedic” knowledge of products and services, nor is it about audacity, appearance or taking charge, he says. Instead, elicit from the other party information about their concerns, preferences, interests and needs.

It’s also important to show you are an active listener. In addition to taking notes, Cohen suggests looking at the other person, making eye contact, and smiling and nodding when appropriate. Don’t mask your reactions with a poker face, but show your human side. Display empathy, respect and understanding as you grasp the information the person reveals, he says.

Cohen also suggests that while you are taking notes, pause occasionally and read back what you have written. If the party wants to embellish or change something, do this willingly, thereby showing your desire to establish a consensus about their concerns and goals and a willingness to address them.

“If you want to be effective in selling your ideas, persuading others or exercising leadership, you must start out as ‘other-directed’,” Cohen says.

Never argue or debate with people, no matter how wrong, foolish, stupid or misinformed they might be, he advises. Your goal is not to be the victor but, rather, a problem-solver. Behave in a co-operative and amiable manner, with a congenial low-key pose. It’s important to be sensitive and patient, and to show consideration for others’ self-esteem.

“Even when subjected to irrational discourse, emotional diatribes or the threat of an impasse, strive for a balanced attitude of caring, but not that much,” writes Cohen in his book Negotiate This! “Since all behaviour makes sense from the standpoint of the actor, attempt to see the problem through his or her eyes and experiences.”

Aim high, and learn how to handle a negative reaction from a client. Cohen says we can learn a lot about negotiating from children, who are the “world’s best negotiators.” First, they aim high, he says. Your child asks you for the top-of-the-line, expensive bike, but isn’t actually expecting to get it, and so will settle for something less. Kids also don’t take no for an answer. If one parent says, “No,” they’ll try the other. And if both parents say, “No,” they’ll move on to the grandparents. They ask again and again in variety of ways and intensities, Cohen says.

@page_break@“Kids recognize in their gut that ‘no’ is an opening bargaining position,” Cohen writes. “They appreciate instinctively that it takes a while to get used to a new idea. So, they are willing to wear you down with sheer tenacity and persistence.”

Cohen says how you interact (your demeanour or approach) will always register more than what you are discussing (terms and content).

“People are more influenced by the manner of the messenger than the message itself,” he says.

Remember that throughout initial conversations, people will be asking themselves if you are the type of person with whom they want to do business. Going from “No” to “Yes,” or from reluctance to commitment, is not based on facts alone but on how people feel about the “other” side — if they trust you, if they feel you can be relied upon. Cohen says successful persuaders are distinguished by the following style characteristics:

> the ability to express ideas in simple terms, framing issues so the choices are clear-cut;

> an optimism and hopefulness about the future;

> coming across as the embodiment of ordinary folk;

> a congenial, humble and unaffected manner; and

> use of self-deprecating humour.

In starting a conversation, always open with commonality. Discuss mundane items such as the weather, sports, health and breaking news.

Once in a while, you may hear the other person say, “No.” But remember, he says, “‘No’ doesn’t mean ‘never,’ only ‘not now’ … ‘no’ is a temporary reflex reaction to the unexpected.”

Cohen suggests calmly asking: “Why do you say that?” to get more information, or moving on to another issue. It takes time for people to get used to a new idea, so you put on hold an item that solicits a negative response and come back to it later.

Keep in mind, he says, that people tend to support that which they created or things in which they have invested time and energy, so you always want them participating in the process. To avoid any semblance of pressure, it’s best to be flexible, with options that will give other people the most comfort. IE