The transition into retirement can be one of the most tense phases of a couple’s relationship as each partner tries to work out what retirement means.

A recent Bank of Nova Scotia study found that not only do 59% of older couples struggle with reaching consensus on important retirement topics such as finances and lifestyle, but 51% of the partners surveyed also disagreed on the extent to which retirement planning has even taken place.

What’s the problem here?

It’s simple, says Bev Moir, senior investment executive at Scotia-McLeod Inc. in Toronto: people aren’t talking.

“It’s pretty shocking,” she adds.

The study, which looked at couples of whom at least one partner was 50 years old or older, also found that only 22% of those surveyed felt they had thoroughly discussed all aspects of retirement. Almost the same number — 23% — say they have barely touched on it, if they have discussed it at all. The ones in the middle, 55%, say they have a “rough idea” of how the other partner feels.

“And this is a major life event,” Moir says.

This lack of communication can spell trouble for a relationship. Perhaps it is not surprising that although overall divorce rates are dropping in Canada, divorce rates for those over age 50 are rising.

Some partners can’t even agree on how much time they want to spend with each other when they retire, says Barry LaValley, president of the Retirement Lifestyle Center Inc., a research/education company in Nanaimo, B.C., that focuses on the transition into retirement. He says research shows men and women tend to view their golden years very differently.

“That comes from how we look at life,” he says. “Men look at life as either working or leisure, whereas women have a better understanding of the balance among family, lifestyle and work. So, retirement may be a different thing for them.”

In fact, as a general rule, men are slightly deluded when it comes to how much time they think they are going to spend with their partners once they retire. This discrepancy was most pronounced in British Columbia, where 28% of men had every intention of spending more time with their partners, vs only 9% of women, LaValley says.

Although the arguments this lack of communication could spark might be a boon to divorce lawyers and couples counsellors, what does it mean for advisors?

“There are opportunities for us to guide that retirement discussion,” says Moir.

This is the point at which some advisors balk, thinking they’ll have to deal with the “touchy-feely” stuff with which they are not necessarily equipped to cope. But this is a necessary part of retirement planning, Moir says. Clients need to explore their vision of retirement as thoroughly as they can.

Scotiabank has hired LaValley to create tools to help clients with this process. An online “retirement readiness assessment” tool has been paired with a workbook that helps individuals nearing retirement to move beyond thinking about it as one long weekend and, instead, think about everything from big-picture issues such as health and housing to day-to-day living. The workbook helps clients walk through what retirement might look like in both its early and later stages.

Moir prefers to give a workbook to each partner to fill out individually and then compares notes as a way to spark discussion. “This is an opportunity to be a little more proactive,” she says, “in terms of saying, ‘Think about what matters to you and how you would like to spend your time’.”

Discussing the balances between family and social life, intellectual and leisure pursuits, and work/volunteer opportunities in retirement is critical because not everyone has the same idea.

“Clients come in and want to talk about their retirement plans,” says LaValley. “So, the first question an advisor asks is, ‘OK, that’s great. When do you plan to retire?’”

But, he says, that assumes retirement means the same thing to both advisor and client. Instead, the first question should delve into what retirement specifically means to the client or, in many cases, the client couple.

“The only way to know if you’ve saved enough is to have a vision of retirement,” says Peter Drake, vice president of retirement and investment solutions at Fidelity Investments Canada ULC in Toronto. “That sounds simple, but we find it’s much more difficult to do in practice than it sounds.”

@page_break@Typical retirement dreams — play golf, garden, travel — are all valid but aren’t true reflections of a full and satisfying retirement for most of us, he says: “Because the couple is likely to spend more time together, partners need to get on the same page about how they’ll spend this time.”

Beyond the big post-retirement trip, they have to think about how they’ll live their day-to-day lives, he adds.

This line of exploration can turn up skeletons. One partner may be surprised by what the other envisions. “They thought they knew what the other wanted,” says Drake, “then discover that’s not the case.”

Erika Penner, a retirement planner in Richmond, B.C., has seen this happen: “I’ve had one client who one wanted to move into the interior [of B.C.] and the spouse wanted to stay in town.”

Moir is working with a couple who assumed they were on the same page when they discussed spending more time at their cottage when they retired. But the husband’s idea of cottage life was far more extensive than his wife’s.

“Now they need a second car,” Moir says, because the wife wants to spend more time in the city.

Penner says that a more telling question than the old standby “What are you doing after work?” is “Who are you doing it with?” One couple she knows faced a typical dilemma, picturing two different lives in retirement. He is an avid sailor who plans to spend his golden years sailing around the world, while she wants to visit family scattered across Canada.

“They’ve worked through the process and they’re aware of how they will deal with it,” Penner says. But if they hadn’t discussed it ahead of time, they might not have had been able to find a compromise.

Age gaps between partners can add another layer of complexity to finding a common retirement vision, she says. A couple may have to plan for “a few good years” before the declining health of one partner puts some plans — such as world travel — out of reach.

Advisors serve their clients best, Penner maintains, by starting the discussion early and reminding them about it from time to time. There is so much talk about boomers retiring that it doesn’t take much to get a conversation started; then, over time, the plan solidifies.

Advisors also need to emphasize to couples that not being on the same page at the start is absolutely normal, says Terry Colton, a psychologist with Worldwide Lifestyle Planners Ltd. in Coquitlam, B.C., which specializes in transition counselling. Many couples have dealt with discord already, and perhaps have received counselling. They can use what they’ve learned to help them through retirement planning disputes, he says. The key is to discuss it while they’re still working.

“If they can’t deal effectively with it before they retire,” he adds, “there’s not a hope in hell they’ll be able to deal with it after they retire.”

Once the floodgates open, partners may find their visions of retirement are too different and there is no room for compromise. This is where the growing divorce statistics come from.

Divorce throws another wrench into retirement planning. Penner has one client couple, both age 63, in which the husband did all the planning. Then the wife decided she wanted a divorce. Assets now have to be split and the husband will have to work longer than he planned.

Says Penner: “It’s devastating.” IE